Dark times happen in all relationships. Add some kids, money woes and time
crunches, and many of us start eyeing the door at least occasionally. So how to
muddle through the hard stuff? “If, underneath all of the disconnection and
challenges, there’s a genuine desire for a better relationship, that’s a great
sign,” says Anu Sharma-Niwa, a registered psychologist in Calgary. “It requires
patience, time, repetition, consistency and respect.” Noted relationship
researcher John Gottman says the magic ratio is 5:1—there need to be five times
as many positive interactions as negative ones. Gottman suggests these ways to support
a healthy relationship.
• Learn to ask for
what you need without blame, accept responsibility and
express appreciation. Understand the difference between “You are destroying my
career” and “I would really appreciate it if we could find a way to let me
catch up on work for 30 minutes in the evening.”
• Take 10 minutes to check in with each other every day. It should be done
when you can give each other your full attention (not during chores), like
while you’re relaxing with a cup of tea or once you’re ready for bed.
• Seek help before you’re sure you need it. “Couples wait six to seven
years too long before seeking help. Everyone thinks they can do it on their
own, but sometimes we need a little support,” says Sharma-Niwa. Ask friends for
referrals, and if you don’t click with one therapist, try another.
• Watch for signs your marriage is in trouble. “Lack of respect and
emotional disengagement (including a lack of intimacy)
and the withdrawal of attention and affection,” says Sharma-Niwa. If you don’t
feel you’re a team anymore, and your future goals are no longer aligned, seek
help. Remember, kids are affected by negativity and hostility. If that’s the
case, talk to a therapist about a controlled separation that involves rules and
professional guidance. Two happy homes are always better than one toxic one.
A version of this story first appeared in our
February 2015 issue with the headline “Back from the brink”, p. 67.
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