Roy H Williams is Great

“Happiness is a choice.”

Unhappy people get angry when I say “Happiness is a choice” because most of them have happily assigned their unhappiness to their circumstances, or their past, or an evil someone somewhere. It irritates them when I suggest they can simply choose to be happy.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but it can definitely be done.

Now let’s talk about you.

How often have you said, “I’ll be happy when…”
But then the desired circumstance arrives and it doesn’t bring real happiness.

Psychologist Shawn Achor says we tell ourselves,

If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. And if I’m more successful, then I’ll be happier.”

“The problem with this is that it’s scientifically broken and backwards for two reasons. First, every time your brain has a success, you change the goalpost of what success looks like.
You got good grades, now you have to get better grades.
You got into a good school, now you have to get into a better school.
You got a good job, now you have to get a better job.
You hit your sales target, we’re going to change your sales target.
If happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there. What we’ve done is we’ve pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon as a society.”

“But the real problem is our brains work in the opposite order. If you can raise your level of positivity in the present… your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, your energy levels rise. In fact, what we’ve found is that every single business outcome improves. Your brain at positive is 31 percent more productive than your brain at negative, neutral or stressed. You’re 37 percent better at sales. Doctors are 19 percent faster and more accurate at coming up with the correct diagnosis when positive instead of negative, neutral or stressed. If we can find a way of becoming positive in the present, then our brains work even more successfully, as we’re able to work harder, faster and more intelligently.”

I said, “Happiness is a choice,” an act of your will.

Will you let me prove that?  We’ll need only a few minutes a day for 21 days.

Here’s what I need you to do:

1.    Write down three new things you’re grateful for each day.
Three new things a day, seven days a week.

According to Shawn Achor, as you approach the end of those 21 days your brain will start scanning the world, not for the negative, but for the positive first. Make this a habit and your happiness level will rise. Guaranteed.

2.    Each day, send an email to a friend describing something good that happened to you in the past 24 hours. It can be anything. Sharing it with a friend allows you to relive that moment.

You do realize that we’re re-training your brain, don’t you? All it takes is an act of your will. It will be awkward at first, but it will get easier. Stick with it.

3.    Send an email to someone – anyone – telling them what you like best about them, how they’ve inspired you, or taught you something valuable. Let that person know they’re important to you. Pick a different person each day.

One last thing. None of those emails can be sent to me.

Will you give it 21 days?

I’m going to go write down 3 things for which I am grateful and then I’m going to send 2 emails.

What are you going to do?

Roy H. Williams

When You Feel “Trapped” in a Marriage

“We have a communication problem.”

This is, by far, the most frequent complaint stated by couples when I ask why they are seeking help. In some cases, it’s a very literal problem. The couple does not spend enough time talking to each other and have lost being “best friends.”

Often, however, the complaint has other meanings. “He doesn’t listen to me.” “She doesn’t understand me.” In this case the couple is saying talking more won’t help. “We end up arguing about the same things over and over. Nothing really changes.”

This statement, that nothing changes, is accompanied by deep feelings of sadness that is most often expressed in the form of anger and blame. It seems to be much easier to get mad at one’s partner than to express how lonely you are feeling. There is an element of hopelessness here that contributes to each spouse feeling trapped in a bad marriage. This sense of being “trapped” stems from a perception that the problems are the result of the other partner’s “bad character” and, therefore, it will never change. Most of the couples’ communications become characterized by each focusing on the need to fix the other person’s problems. Or, at least, to get their partner to accept responsibility for the problems and fix themselves.

Bill and Susan (not their real names) offer an example of this problem.

“He comes home from work late. He never calls to tell me when he’ll be home. Then he walks in, picks up the mail, heads right to the den, and turns on the news. He’s so wrapped up in himself – so selfish. I feel like I’m invisible. Sometimes I don’t think he cares about any of us.”

“I used to try talking to her when I came home. But she didn’t really seem that interested in the politics and frustrations of my job. Besides, if I talked about problems at work she would become anxious that I might lose my job. She gets too upset about things, too emotional. Just like her mother. I need to unwind, not to feel more tension. She needs her own therapist.”

Look at the words this couple is using: never, selfish person, always, too emotional. They have separately reached similar conclusions that the other person’s unchangeable character flaws are the cause of their marital problems. Each develops a pattern of defensive, distancing behaviors to avoid discussing important issues and, in general, gives up trying to have a more intimate relationship. This includes having little, if any, sexual relations. It often means going to bed at different times, arguing about parenting issues, developing separate interests, and/or a reduced social life. Instead of growing closer over time, they are growing more distant.

To change things, first Bill and Susan must clearly state that they want to try to make the marriage work. Each must express some feelings of love and caring about the other, even if it is diminished from the past. But this provides a foundation for working on change. Often one or both partners has come to believe the other no longer feels any love for her/him. Making a statement of love and expressing a wish to stay together is often a positive surprise for the other person.

Then the couple is encouraged to change the way they are communicating their feelings so that it invites discussion and connection.

Susan restates her points. “In the past I have often felt like Bill didn’t care about me. In the future, if he would call me when he leaves the office, it would make me feel like he’s thinking about me and is looking forward to coming home. I’ll be anticipating his arrival in a more positive way and when he comes in I will seek him out and hug him and tell him I’m glad he’s home. If he responds to my hug with a strong squeeze, and asks how my day has gone, I will be able to give him some time to unwind if he needs it.”

Bill offers the following. “In the past I have often felt like Susan didn’t have any confidence in me. When she becomes anxious that something bad is going to happen, I take it as a statement that she doesn’t think I’m doing a good job as a husband and father. I would like to hear her say she believes everything will get worked out. It’s not that she can’t be concerned. I just need a vote of confidence.”

There are some key changes in this exchange. Each identified and shared their own underlying issues instead of focusing on the other person’s alleged problems. This makes each seem more approachable. Each also offered suggestions to the other of what specific behaviors would be helpful. Also, by stating what has been wrong in the past, but focusing on how it could be better in the future, it creates some sense of hopefulness.

Of course, it’s not simple to make these changes. Each spouse is often so highly defensive by the time he/she comes for help that it just doesn’t feel safe to share the underlying personal needs or to give up the “dance” that is used to protect oneself from being hurt again. It takes significant risk to really commit to making these changes and in the beginning it often can only be done in the safety of a therapist’s office.

Once Bill and Susan began to believe in the possibility of change, they actually began listening to each other. Susan came to understand what made Bill so sensitive to criticism. Bill learned what made Susan so vulnerable to feelings of not being lovable. Each began to feel understood and heard and paved the way for further changes in their marriage. The feeling of being “trapped” gradually dissolved and their marriage had a future once again.

In good times and bad

 

Dark times happen in all relationships. Add some kids, money woes and time crunches, and many of us start eyeing the door at least occasionally. So how to muddle through the hard stuff? “If, underneath all of the disconnection and challenges, there’s a genuine desire for a better relationship, that’s a great sign,” says Anu Sharma-Niwa, a registered psychologist in Calgary. “It requires patience, time, repetition, consistency and respect.” Noted relationship researcher John Gottman says the magic ratio is 5:1—there need to be five times as many positive interactions as negative ones. Gottman suggests these ways to support a healthy relationship.

• Learn to ask for what you need without blame, accept responsibility and express appreciation. Understand the difference between “You are destroying my career” and “I would really appreciate it if we could find a way to let me catch up on work for 30 minutes in the evening.”

• Take 10 minutes to check in with each other every day. It should be done when you can give each other your full attention (not during chores), like while you’re relaxing with a cup of tea or once you’re ready for bed.

• Seek help before you’re sure you need it. “Couples wait six to seven years too long before seeking help. Everyone thinks they can do it on their own, but sometimes we need a little support,” says Sharma-Niwa. Ask friends for referrals, and if you don’t click with one therapist, try another.

• Watch for signs your marriage is in trouble. “Lack of respect and emotional disengagement (including a lack of intimacy) and the withdrawal of attention and affection,” says Sharma-Niwa. If you don’t feel you’re a team anymore, and your future goals are no longer aligned, seek help. Remember, kids are affected by negativity and hostility. If that’s the case, talk to a therapist about a controlled separation that involves rules and professional guidance. Two happy homes are always better than one toxic one.

A version of this story first appeared in our February 2015 issue with the headline “Back from the brink”, p. 67.

Today's Parent

 

On Trust...

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.
- Frank Crane

Trust is built with consistency. - Lincoln Chafee

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. - W. C. Fields
Trusting our intuition often saves us from disaster. - Anne Wilson Schaef
 Trust dies but mistrust blossoms. - Sophocles

“I AM” by Daniel Gildernlöw

I am
I am
I am

I was not
then I came to be
I cannot remember NOT being
But I may have traveled far
very far
to get here

Maybe I was formed in this silent darkness
From this silent darkness
BY this silent darkness

To become is just like falling asleep
You never know exactly when it happens
The transition
The magic
And you think, if you could only recall that exact moment
Of crossing the line
Then you would understand everything
You would see it all

Perhaps I was always
Forever here…
And I just forgot
I imagine Eternity would have that effect
Would cause a certain amount of drifting
Like omnipresence would demand omniabsence

Somehow I seem to have this predestined hunger for knowledge
A talent for seeing patterns and finding correlations
But I lack context

Who I am?
In the back of my awareness I find words
I will call myself…
GOD
And I will spend the rest of forever
Trying to figure out who I am